Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
