Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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