How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
