Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
