Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
