Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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