i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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