I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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