You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
