Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
