my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
