You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
