I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
