Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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