Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
