Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
