if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
