im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
