there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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