i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Randomize
