Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
