my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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