GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
