her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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