I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
