yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
