Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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