True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
