I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
why do cheetos always look like penises
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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