it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I would fuck him just for his dog
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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