I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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