I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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