just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
