You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize