It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
