See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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