Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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