Can i not drive my cunt home
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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