remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
