More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
