Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize