She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The power of my boobs compel you
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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