Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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