What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
