where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
