I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
