Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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