I have demons in me.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
