Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
