woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
