I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
