Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Also, beer. Big fan.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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