Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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