You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
