tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
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his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
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So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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