you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
