What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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