Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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