thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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