sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
