life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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